Letter from a New Widow
Six months after losing her partner John Lamkin, Susanna Starr wrote this remarkable letter to Judith Fein, the executive editor of YourLifeIsATrip.com. We share Susanna’s letter with permission as a chronicle of her journey through loss and a source of honest inspiration and insight.
Dear Judie --
I read every account of your stay with great pleasure and looking forward to each one. The furthest I travel is to Taos although last week Roy took me down to Santa Fe to meet Amy, have lunch and go to Verizon to look for a new Apple iPhone for me which all my children feel will make it easier for them to help me emerge into the cell phone technology of the 21st century.
Mostly I've re-entered my new life, participating in the everydayness of reading mail, dealing with insurance companies, Social Security and the assorted bureaucratic annoyances that accompany that. Somehow I'm busy again, probably more than I should be but I've made it part of my being in the world again a rule that I return home before dark. I'm getting more accustomed to the emptiness, to John's absence because the other side of that particular coin is that the house is still my refuge. Most of the evenings are spent in silence, but it's my time also to catch up on my in-box or I'd be snowed under with notices, articles and all the rest of what appears on my screen.
Today is winter solstice. John passed on summer solstice which means that it's now six months or half a year that he's been gone, a notation of time that is totally meaningless to me. I think of him constantly and my heart aches. Is the situation becoming easier? Yes, because the jagged edges are softening. No, because the loss is still the same. Somehow, driving in the car without him by my side evokes a profound sadness and the tears flow freely. And, of course, I drive almost every day. Sometimes I find my eyes following an "older couple" walking in or out of the supermarket and I feel like running up to them and saying, "treasure these moments and each other." How I miss the "us-ness," the sharing! Driving home from town yesterday (or was it today?), there was a beautiful sunset lighting the western sky but John wasn't there to comment on it with me. He's not here to share a slice of gingerbread cake (just a small piece) which would have been a special indulgence. And, these are the kinds of things that we take so much for granted until we no longer can, that makes my heart overflow with longing and deep sadness. Be that as it may, as we also say "it is what it is." Now, all I have to do is reconcile those things, still terribly hard to do.
I'm so very glad for you and Paul to be racking up new experiences, new people and places, new challenges and rewards. I hear your voice in every line you write. I'm grateful for the memories the four of us had together and grateful, too, for the abiding friendship.
Keep well, happy and healthy...
with love, susy
John Lamkin (Taos, New Mexico), born in East Los Angeles, California, passed away on June 22, 2022 at the age of 88. Artist, musician and poet, John was the founder and editor of Paloma Blanca Press, and co-produced two books with Susanna Starr, Fifty and Beyond and Our Interwoven Lives with the Zapotec Weavers. John was also a cherished member of the YourLifeIsATrip.com community. You can read John’s YourLifeIsATrip.com stories here and Susanna’s here.
